Freedom From Wanting Everything

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Not really in a pensive mood but more of inspired as I heard the Word of God in today's service. I can't help but share in my little way of how I am blessed. My heart was deeply touched I found myself keeping my tears from falling while listening to the pastor sharing the Word. Quite a number of people have been worried about me lately and I appreciate them for that. Yes, I am in struggle and in that struggling I discovered that I am actually carrying some unnecessary burden hence struggling for as long as I can remember, not just the recent months. How I treated it just bore me deeper into a hole and now it feels harder to get back up on the ground. I am a flawed being hiding in my fab, fashionable, well-coordinated or whatever you may call it ootd's. I am someone who is really lost and confused and not any travel destination can offset it. My constant increase in pay and profit from the sideline cannot compensate for what is really lacking in me. I felt like everything is just not enough. I felt entitled and I felt deserving of every damn good thing I could see. And so I fell apart and I am broken into pieces. Right now I am trying my best to refocus and find myself.

I bought this book titled "Gotta Have It!" (by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz) almost a year ago and if only I have read it earlier or right away, I can't help but think that maybe things would have not ended this way today. But well, life happened. I have a confession to make. I'm a hypocrite. I keep on saying thank You, talk and post about gratefulness but deep inside I have always been badly craving for more more more, wanting everything, just a bit of everything, because maybe I wasn't really being thankful, because if I was grateful, there should be contentment. Far from it people, that's how hypocrite I am. Deep inside of me I wasn't really contented. I lost myself in this awful path process I chose. And now that I'm trying my way back to the main road, it has been arduous -- really really difficult one. It's the result of my past hard-to-admit not-so-good choices. I have shifted my security to the things and people around me, which is WRONG. I chose to find comfort on the things that I wanted and did not resort to mending things and or figuring out what I truly need. I was so hard-headed, impatient, immature and so earthly. And now let me use the phrases I am suffering the consequences and I am learning the hard way. Whew, there goes my ego! But I need to accept these stinky things about me because it is through this that I will be really free. 

What I relearned in this really really tough process:

1. Be patient. Be patient with the Lord. God's got me covered in the things that I need and so with those things that I just want, I need patience, be patient with those excessities or things that I just want. Psalm 37:7 (GNT) says "Be patient and wait for the Lord to act; don't be worried about those who prosper or those who succeed in their evil plans." Leave the choice to Him regardless of how you feel. In the course of just a year, I had a lot of those what-if's and if-only's only because I tolerated my hard-head, my emotions, my earthly desires and did not really rely on His timeframe. I was so impatient that I immediately wanted things to happen NOW in my own time. I actually disregarded my favorite Proverbs 3:5 verse. I learned that patience is not giving up and not doing nothing. Patience is an optimistic expectation. Patience is fueled by hope. As Romans 5:3-4 (NIV) states, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Right now that I am in this very stage of my life, I guess this is the biggest test of my patience so far. I'm now relearning to fully trust the One who is the orchestrator of my life. In His time.

2. Rid of envy. Don't be bitter. Each of one is unique and so as how are lives are designed. Envy makes things worse. It's such an ugly ugly thing to have but for the past months it stayed with me. I cant't help compare myself, my successes, my life to what others have. I kept insulting Him of how He designed me and my life. I kept on questioning Him. Envy is such a strong feeling that won't make someone feel any good. I don't understand myself why I keep clinging to such revolting trait. I relearned to look inside of me and pray and discern of all the good things and the talents He has blessed me with and enhance on these, flourish from where I am planted. It's still hard because I am easily distracted, not to mention the harsh effects of social media. It also boils down to trusting Him and focusing on Him. "But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice." -James 3:14-16 (NIV)

2. Security and contentment is in our Lord. Seek Him always. If we  try to find security and contentment other than Him, it will always always fail. Trust me, I know how it feels finding security elsewhere and was I successful? Uhmmm NO. God gives and God takes things away. It is only in Him that I can find happiness, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction. The song Unending Love was sang by the worship team a while ago and it hit me so strong I felt like it was again my first time surrendering my life to Him (That's how flawed I am). The song says how I'll find everything I need in His unending love. If Jesus is in me, indeed how can I worry over other trivial things? How can I crave for anything that is less than Him, my everything, in me?

There's no silver or gold and no treasure untold that could draw me away from Your heart. Neither love of myself or of anyone else will do. Letting go of my pride I lay down my desires just to worship in Spirit and truth. More than all of my dreams, more than fame I will seek You Lord. Jesus, nothing compares to this grace that rescues me. Savior, now and forever Your face is all I seek. Now all I am I lay at Your feet I'm humbled by the wonder of Your majesty. One thing I know I find all I need In Your unending love, in Your unending love. Your love, Jesus.  

I've made a big deal of awful decisions and acted wrongly on different situations. Covered in shadows and regrets, it took me one big blow to decide to straighten things out. At the end of the day it's all about bringing back my focus to Him. It's all about Him. I am not telling that I am done with the process that I am a fully changed person. No. Far from it. I just accepted these sad facts and flaws. I am now in the process of moving on and growing up all in God's grace. I am also thankful for that someone who made me realize these things. Thank You, Lord, and thank you for loving me this way. I'll come out of this better, and into that woman You designed me to be.

"Every time you are confronted with a choice between what you want to do and what you need to do, make the most of that chance. Choose wisely and move forward. If you take a step backward, learn from it and grow; use your head. Above all, keep going, keep progressing in your understanding of where to go to truly meet the need. [...] In the end, it really comes down to you and God, which is a very good thing when it comes to needs. In Matthew 6:8, Jesus reassures you that God's got you covered in that department; He already knows what you need even before you ask."

I'll leave you this beautiful song.

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2014 Half-year Resolutions

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More than a year from the date of this entry, I am writing another set of resolutions for the coming half-year or maybe another year. It’s a good time to look back and self-assess on where I am now as compared to where I was. This is also in light of my blog’s sixth anniversary last July (which is supposed to be close to 10 years already). I planned to write both my half-year resolutions and anniversary entries but (apart from being a lola for most of the days) my July was fairly frenetic and I was in a stage of valuation – I guess this is now an annual thing for me having this “midyear-crisis” looking back to see how I should move forward for the rest of the year, or should I? Questions like this are typical occurrences in my mid-year state of mind. Rereading that entry, I want to restate them not because I haven’t accomplished them (some nos. though hahaha) but because I consider them as things that should be part of a year’s routine. 

Anyway, the first half (plus a month) of my 2014 was tremendous. I also reread my Hello 2014 entry and I feel glad, I feel blessed, I feel so thankful. But at the same time I also feel “lacking”. If there’s one thing I should have consistently done, it has nothing to do with my tasks at work or my sideline or with how I treat the people around me but I should have exercised my faith very eagerly. I feel like I lack of faith while doing the things I’ve been performing this year.  So for the rest of this year STRONGER FAITH!!

I blasted this year with prayer and fasting and the half-year with a fast as well. My faith should be indeed stronger! Blessed enough that browsing through my prayer journal, our God is indeed an answering God. Luke's promotion, my new job role meeting my salary expectation, fashion endeavour, are few among what's written inside. So excited for the next set of God's answers!!!

Anyways, I have more or less five more months to make 2014 the best year of my life.

More travelling and exploring. 

Need not be grand. Need not to be real destinations as what I mentioned in my 2014 resolutions. Despite the fact that I am currently “stuck” in Alabang, which is essentially one good reason to travel and discover more places. In the past half-year I fulfilled the part of travelling to local destinations – I’ve been to Baguio twice, I have climbed Mt. Pulag, I’ve been to Bataan and finally experienced Coron (so out of these I have only blogged on one yet hahaha medyo on time ako mag-blog haha). Though initially I aimed for a monthly travel, this is not bad at all. 

I also discovered new places to dwell in – coffee shops and restaurants too. And I still have five months to go somewhere else! It makes me giddy and I am praying that I would still be able to go somewhere else. Because in travelling, I discover more of me, and more of the people I am with, and more of the life around me, that I am just a tiny particle of the universe and that there is so much more to life. Anyway, I’m aiming for another or a couple more of local and an international. 

Thrive in my fashion endeavour. 

Yes, as what my family, friends and boyfriend hoped for me and I hoped for myself, I enrolled myself to a Fashion Design Course. I formally launched my “fashion business” though I don’t really want to call it business per se, I want it more of a creativity outlet for now, as I am a full-time employee still. But as I want to thrive in this endeavor, I want to spend 10,000 more hours (learned something from a Malcolm book) just sketching, reading, learning, and writing all about fashion. I am looking into enrolling again either this end of September or early November (currently my dilemma), was supposed to have enrolled myself and start classes this coming 23rd but as per boss amo’s piece of advice, “huwag muna”,which I later on realized is a good decision as I might spend most of my Saturday’s working on my December bride’s wedding dress and entourage and some more clients in between. 

I am also praying that before this year ends, I would have a workplace which I want to call my creative abode so that I can finally move from my tiny office inside my room and have a slightly bigger space. I am also praying for suppliers, financiers, and a set of lovely fitting forms haha! Specifically stated? I also pray to invest on sewing machines and of course on people who would work with me. Farfetched?? Yes, maybe, but I believe in a bigger and sovereign God. I entrust all of these to Him. 

Devotion is the key to a beautiful day. To do it during the early hours of the day to have good conditioning. 

Read more!! Again hahaha. Goal is 50 books this year but best of luck hahaha! So far I read a little more than 10?? 

Save and hit the target. Push!!!

On time journaling just like I used to be. Hahaha obviously, this post as an evidence, I lag in blogging.

Get a driver’s license. So this has been a resolution ever since? Just got to show that it's not really  my priority hehehe but who knows when God might send me my car this year too?? Haha, why not, I am claiming it!!! 

These are my main resolutions and some more tads in between. I pray that I would eventually cross these all out. ☺ And oh yes if you noticed my blog’s sidebar, materially, I finally invested on my “dream” thingamajigs hahaha! And I thank boss amo for helping me attain them! ☺ So that’s all for now. Will revisit this from time to time and before this year ends. What’s yours?

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Relying on God

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I've had bad times and moments because of my frustrations. But I've learned to trust God and lift them all up to Him. I've learned to always ask for His guidance and believe in His purpose in me. One day I was too frustrated that I already cried to myself. Then I have very timely encountered this devotional and it greatly helped. I found myself crying to Him. Since then, I relied more on the Author of my story. Life became more bearable. He worked on and through my frustrations.

Relying on God 

I believe every time we feel frustration, it means we've really stopped relying on God. That might sound like a bold statement to you, but think about it: God's given you and me His Holy Spirit and His grace to help us walk through anything that comes our way. Frustration hits when we stop depending on Him and try to make something happen our own way.
Understanding this really helped me. Every time I became frustrated, I reminded myself that what I was really doing was trying to take the place of the Holy Spirit. I was trying to be Holy Spirit Junior! 

Do you struggle with an independent spirit? When you refuse to depend on God, in essence, you're saying, "Okay, God, I appreciate that You're around, but watch me do this." Depending on God for everything may be difficult, but it's the key to the victory we need every single day of our lives. 

When God saved us, He didn't help us and then say, "Ok, that's it. You're on your own now!" He's eternally saved us, which means if we depend on Him, He will guide us and help us. 

Galations 5:16 urges us to "walk and live [habitually] in the [Holy] Spirit...then you will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh".... Notice that it doesn't say "conquer the flesh independently...then you will certainly not gratify the desires of the flesh." No, it says to live in the Holy Spirit. 

Choose to stop living independently, and rely on the Holy Spirit. I promise you won't regret it! (Joyce Meyer)

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 

-Galatians 5:16

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Still Weaving

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So I'm home alone on a Sunday morning as I arrived home late last night already. I was having breakfast and thinking life ahead of me. Alam mo yung normal na napapaisip ka if am I on the right track, given that currently I enrolled myself in fashion school, started a tiny business, will transfer to a new company... I started thinking if I am in the right spot on this second of this date. And as I was already doing my devotional, I feel like God answered me through it. 

My life was in a bumpy ride but I couldn't be thankful enough to Him for where I am now is a lot better where I was. But STILL, I can’t help but be anxious of what might happen ahead of me. I may not be in a very tough time right now, I've been through tough times (thank God!), but I know God may allow these kinds of times again to happen.

As what this devotional is trying to relay, I must stop looking merely at the back side of my life’s tapestry. Ang daming buhol, ang daming gupit-gupit, there are threads I can’t even connect. And I must stop disappointing myself by expecting things would turn out the way I want it too. For the past few years, I found it hard entrusting it all to Him. Umiral ang pagkamatigas ng ulo ko that I wanted it my way. But amazingly, events turned out to be actually better than what I planned, one after the other, because I kept on praying and I entrusted it all to Him. Only God knows. What I feel right now? I am so eager of what masterpiece God created my life to be, He has a purpose, hence, I will continue to entrust my life to Him, well, He lent it to me anyway. 

“Called With A Purpose” 

"We know all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

Paul’s assurance in his letter to the Romans is one of the most quoted and least understood passage in the New Testament. When some people hear the verse, they flare in ager because they think Paul is saying that the traumatic event they’ve just experienced is good. But that’s not at all what he’s saying. 

Paul is inviting us to remember – in every situation, even the most painful ones – the final result of our lives’ tapestry. We should remember that the God of love, wisdom, and strength has the ability to weave the dark threads or our lives in with the light-colored ones to produce something beautiful. In our pain all we can see is the back of the fabric, but we can be assured that God will produce something fine out of it. 

Although God promises to work things for our good the promise of the verse isn’t that things will work out the way we want them to. God is the weaver and events are the threads. Our lives are just the loom on which He works to create His masterpiece. In many cases, we find that God’s design is quite different from what we hoped, dreamed, or even contemplated. We can either follow the design He has planned, or we can continue to demand our own way. One leads to life and peace; the other, to anger and despair, choose wisely, with faith in God and His design. 

Mankind is all too often inclined to take credit for his accomplishments, but when things go wrong, he blames God. -Zig Ziglar

Source: The One Year Daily Insights with Zig Ziglar and Dr. Ike Reighard

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248. Dumb Sheep

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Ever wondered why we are likened to a sheep in the Bible? If one is to think very negatively, it’s actually “insulting”. But Biblically, it overlaid that fact and signified overflowing compassion and love abundance.

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

15 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. ² But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

³ Then Jesus told them this parable: ⁴ “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

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239. Persistence in Prayer

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Sometimes, we are so persistent in “pestering” our parents, boyfriends, siblings, clients, or whoever in getting what we want. Or maybe we, ourselves, are so determined in getting what we want for ourselves i.e. saving too much to the point of starvation just to buy that pair of shoes or that signature bag. For guys, maybe they tend to be “pushy” in courting a girl they really like. How about in prayer? How about in asking God for the things we want, or rather, for the things He wants and long-planned for us? How persistent are we?

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211. It's Not Over (When God is In It)!!!

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This song gives me the desire to share it right away! It hasn't failed to cheer me up and smile on my own and think to myself and say a little prayer and thank God and praise Him on how amazing and wonderful He is conveying His love and message of hope and of faith in Him, His mightiness -- in songs such as this. Maybe we’re in a difficult situation, on the verge of quitting, going through hard times, on a spot when we question everything that’s happening in our lives – God says it’s not over. God is still working on it, we’re all still a work in progress including what situation we may be in right now. It’s not over, we’re closer than where we were before. God is in it and there are limitless possibilities – far beyond we can imagine! The song may not be that modern and as attractive as the contemporary songs but I hope that you’d set aside some of your precious time and listen to this wonderful song, read through the lyrics and believe, not in what you think the events will turn out to be, not in your circumstances, but what He can do, on who God really is. It’s not over. It’s such a a beautiful song! God bless!

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205. Finding balance between contenment and ambition

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I just want to share one aid in my devotion from Joyce Meyer pertaining to dreams and visions. I have read this a year (or two) ago and came across it once again today. I pray that whatever dreams or visions you may have, whether simple, short-term, long-shot, or almost-impossible, and if you’re on the verge of quitting, if that dream is placed by God in your heart, may you not give up on them. It’s one thing that no one can take away from you. It's one thing God would want you to accomplish. I pray that these words through its writer may help you as well. :)

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182. Monday Musings: The one that scares you the most...

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http://memoriessewprecious.wordpress.com/2012/01/

When you have two good options, always go with the one that scares you the most, because that’s the one that’s going to help you grow.

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175. Monday Musings: “Just because you don’t understand something now doesn’t mean the explanation doesn’t exist”

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“Just because you don’t understand something now doesn’t mean the explanation doesn’t exist.”

And here comes another post on the quarter-life-crisis series. Lol. I’m kidding. But maybe it’s half-meant. Haha! When I think about the future, to be honest, it scares me. I have seen a lot of lives in front of me of which some I have even seen unfold. Not all of them are amazing. Some were fabulous. Some are so-so. And some sadly didn't turn out fine. It created fears inside me. At the back of my mind, I told myself, I don’t want to end up like that. Not good. And do you ever have the feeling that you feel like what you’re doing right now that you believe to be rightful at the moment feels like would not help you on your dream future? (Gulo ba basta yun…) Or help create your dreams into reality? And you just can’t get an explanation out of it? Nag-aral naman ako nang mabuti... Nakapagtapos naman ako... I have a diploma...  Bakit si ganyan hindi naman ganito... Siya nga mas tamad pa sa kin blablabla... Aminin, the list of questions doesn’t end there. It feels like it’s happening, it’s just going down the gutter for you-feel-like no apparent reason at all! I’m just human gifted with overflowing sensitivity and emotional factors haha and I feel such sometimes.

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167. Walkway 2013

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On Holy Weeks most especially on the Thursday and Friday of it, years back, if we are not elsewhere taking vacation away from the city, my parents would always take me with them to church hearing the teachings on the Seven Last Words of Jesus. But ever since I got into the corporate world, snatching away most of the Philippine holidays away from me (lol), I have not attended such again. One thing that I like about attending this kind of service is being able to reflect on the very essence of why there is a holy week. It's not just about having vacation. It's also about reflecting on the ultimate sacrifice Jesus did around 2000 years ago. All because of the Father's GREAT GREAT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. But let me also say that holy week is not just the only time to reflect, there are 51 other weeks and 358 other days to do it.

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151. Monday Musings: From Now On

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The truth is, the greater part of your happiness or misery depends solely upon your attitude towards any given moment, regardless of the events contained within. You need much less than you think you need to be happy, and you usually have a lot more than you think you have. There’s always something worth smiling about. It’s just a matter of thinking differently. (Marc and Angel)

 

It's hard isn't it, being always happy, trying to embrace positivity because we are mere humans and our emotions most of the time are the reasons of our downfall. It may be hard to be thankful having a two-peso donut bought from some lowly bakery when you see someone deliciously munching on a donut from J Co.

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147. Monday Musings on Monday Blues

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I don’t know if it’s just Monday Blues version of Monday Musings but there is this sad weird annoying feeling in me. I’m a normal human being who has her own set of insecurities and frustrations and for some reason today, I felt like everything is in front of me! A lot of questions flashed in the insides of my brain. At one point I felt like this time I was sure that I am having a quarter-life crisis. It’s hard to feel good. I stuffed myself with sweets (like I don’t always already do). Listening to Christian music helped (thank you Chris Tomlin, Michael Gungor and Desperation Band for accompanying me). But I keep on thinking. Am I the only one who’s like this? Whose mind just don’t pause on thinking and when it thinks of the not-so-good stuff it’s like fuelled even more to think negatively. I guess there are just times like this (apart from the monthly PMS-ing).

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93. cos I badly want to start anew but there's really no need to it

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This feeling of wanting to just erase everything unpleasant and remain those that are luscious to my recalling. But NO.

There have been a lot of mistakes, shortcomings, transgressions and yes, regrets, that I'm afraid of the possible consequences I'm about to face a second from now to a second before I die. I've been so hard-headed, so stubborn, so stupid that these thoughts that keep on rushing in for the past days give me pains and aches to every vein where the blood passes through, not to mention the physical throbbing headache I've been feeling for four days now. A time would really come for these thoughts. I'm still human. I'm just glad I surpassed it without thinking of killing my delicate self.

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more than just eggs and bunnies

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Today is Easter Sunday, a day when Easter eggs and bunnies come to play, when kids and young adults alike enjoy egg hunting, but have they thought of today's true essence?

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For I know the plans I have for you ...

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For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

--Jeremiah 29:11

This is one of my favorite verses and the one I've been holding to and the very verse of the midweek service I've attended to last Wednesday and right then and there, I knew my Potter is reassuring me of His plans-beyond-my-human-imagination for me.

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The David in Pacquiao

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Manny Pacquiao is someone really worthy to be labeled as Pinoy Pride. Let us set aside those controversies tagged along with his name. Thus I support what Pres. GMA awarded him -- the Sikatuna Award Rank of Datu -- just this afternoon. He is one true-blooded Pinoy not merely going up inside the rink and fighting for his label's sake nor for money but he's also fighting for and in-behalf of his beloved Philippines and its citizenry. No wonder his name is paired with Pambansang Kamao, Pound for Pound King, People's Champ, bayani among others.

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reminder

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I should always be reminded. I should. I should.
For whom or for what have I been doing things lately?

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Happy Christmas!

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Happy Christmas, blog! :)

Wanna share with you my favorite Christmas song. It reminds me the real meaning of Christmas. :)

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior And the first breath that left Your lips Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

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Wow. I wanna be a FRUITCAKE. I am!

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So it’s been officially 9 days since my 3-year-old blog was removed/lost/deleted/evicted from cyberspace. Just please don’t ask me why and how because I don’t know the answer. All I know is that I HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF DELETING THAT BLOG but kismet it is, it was, it happened. As you can see I’m still using my old layout. Thankfully, I was able to save a copy of it in notepad. I’m planning to change my layout late August or September, I don’t know. I’m using this layout just to remind myself of my precious blog – like “in loving memory thing”. Lols. I have so many things to blog about. And this would be my first official entry. And I know the entry I would be posting would just like ‘spam’ cyberspace because it’s about something recent and something that’s about to happen. Let me now start blabbing.

PASSION MANILA 2008

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