Freedom From Wanting Everything

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Not really in a pensive mood but more of inspired as I heard the Word of God in today's service. I can't help but share in my little way of how I am blessed. My heart was deeply touched I found myself keeping my tears from falling while listening to the pastor sharing the Word. Quite a number of people have been worried about me lately and I appreciate them for that. Yes, I am in struggle and in that struggling I discovered that I am actually carrying some unnecessary burden hence struggling for as long as I can remember, not just the recent months. How I treated it just bore me deeper into a hole and now it feels harder to get back up on the ground. I am a flawed being hiding in my fab, fashionable, well-coordinated or whatever you may call it ootd's. I am someone who is really lost and confused and not any travel destination can offset it. My constant increase in pay and profit from the sideline cannot compensate for what is really lacking in me. I felt like everything is just not enough. I felt entitled and I felt deserving of every damn good thing I could see. And so I fell apart and I am broken into pieces. Right now I am trying my best to refocus and find myself.

I bought this book titled "Gotta Have It!" (by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz) almost a year ago and if only I have read it earlier or right away, I can't help but think that maybe things would have not ended this way today. But well, life happened. I have a confession to make. I'm a hypocrite. I keep on saying thank You, talk and post about gratefulness but deep inside I have always been badly craving for more more more, wanting everything, just a bit of everything, because maybe I wasn't really being thankful, because if I was grateful, there should be contentment. Far from it people, that's how hypocrite I am. Deep inside of me I wasn't really contented. I lost myself in this awful path process I chose. And now that I'm trying my way back to the main road, it has been arduous -- really really difficult one. It's the result of my past hard-to-admit not-so-good choices. I have shifted my security to the things and people around me, which is WRONG. I chose to find comfort on the things that I wanted and did not resort to mending things and or figuring out what I truly need. I was so hard-headed, impatient, immature and so earthly. And now let me use the phrases I am suffering the consequences and I am learning the hard way. Whew, there goes my ego! But I need to accept these stinky things about me because it is through this that I will be really free. 

What I relearned in this really really tough process:

1. Be patient. Be patient with the Lord. God's got me covered in the things that I need and so with those things that I just want, I need patience, be patient with those excessities or things that I just want. Psalm 37:7 (GNT) says "Be patient and wait for the Lord to act; don't be worried about those who prosper or those who succeed in their evil plans." Leave the choice to Him regardless of how you feel. In the course of just a year, I had a lot of those what-if's and if-only's only because I tolerated my hard-head, my emotions, my earthly desires and did not really rely on His timeframe. I was so impatient that I immediately wanted things to happen NOW in my own time. I actually disregarded my favorite Proverbs 3:5 verse. I learned that patience is not giving up and not doing nothing. Patience is an optimistic expectation. Patience is fueled by hope. As Romans 5:3-4 (NIV) states, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Right now that I am in this very stage of my life, I guess this is the biggest test of my patience so far. I'm now relearning to fully trust the One who is the orchestrator of my life. In His time.

2. Rid of envy. Don't be bitter. Each of one is unique and so as how are lives are designed. Envy makes things worse. It's such an ugly ugly thing to have but for the past months it stayed with me. I cant't help compare myself, my successes, my life to what others have. I kept insulting Him of how He designed me and my life. I kept on questioning Him. Envy is such a strong feeling that won't make someone feel any good. I don't understand myself why I keep clinging to such revolting trait. I relearned to look inside of me and pray and discern of all the good things and the talents He has blessed me with and enhance on these, flourish from where I am planted. It's still hard because I am easily distracted, not to mention the harsh effects of social media. It also boils down to trusting Him and focusing on Him. "But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice." -James 3:14-16 (NIV)

2. Security and contentment is in our Lord. Seek Him always. If we  try to find security and contentment other than Him, it will always always fail. Trust me, I know how it feels finding security elsewhere and was I successful? Uhmmm NO. God gives and God takes things away. It is only in Him that I can find happiness, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction. The song Unending Love was sang by the worship team a while ago and it hit me so strong I felt like it was again my first time surrendering my life to Him (That's how flawed I am). The song says how I'll find everything I need in His unending love. If Jesus is in me, indeed how can I worry over other trivial things? How can I crave for anything that is less than Him, my everything, in me?

There's no silver or gold and no treasure untold that could draw me away from Your heart. Neither love of myself or of anyone else will do. Letting go of my pride I lay down my desires just to worship in Spirit and truth. More than all of my dreams, more than fame I will seek You Lord. Jesus, nothing compares to this grace that rescues me. Savior, now and forever Your face is all I seek. Now all I am I lay at Your feet I'm humbled by the wonder of Your majesty. One thing I know I find all I need In Your unending love, in Your unending love. Your love, Jesus.  

I've made a big deal of awful decisions and acted wrongly on different situations. Covered in shadows and regrets, it took me one big blow to decide to straighten things out. At the end of the day it's all about bringing back my focus to Him. It's all about Him. I am not telling that I am done with the process that I am a fully changed person. No. Far from it. I just accepted these sad facts and flaws. I am now in the process of moving on and growing up all in God's grace. I am also thankful for that someone who made me realize these things. Thank You, Lord, and thank you for loving me this way. I'll come out of this better, and into that woman You designed me to be.

"Every time you are confronted with a choice between what you want to do and what you need to do, make the most of that chance. Choose wisely and move forward. If you take a step backward, learn from it and grow; use your head. Above all, keep going, keep progressing in your understanding of where to go to truly meet the need. [...] In the end, it really comes down to you and God, which is a very good thing when it comes to needs. In Matthew 6:8, Jesus reassures you that God's got you covered in that department; He already knows what you need even before you ask."

I'll leave you this beautiful song.

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SAVED Festival 2014

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October 11, 2014

Smart Araneta Coliseum

My third time to attend Saved Festival and finally with my churchmates!! :) 

Booked our tix as early as its first day of release! And not to be dismayed it was an awesome worship night!!! It's the only Christian event I've been to that noone screamed "mooore moooore" towards the end, not because people are bored or bitin but because this event gave us a glimpse of how worshipping in heaven would be like - non-stop!! Victory Worship and Esterlyn bands lead the first part of the worship. A short message was delivered by Francis Chan. Finally, Israel Houghton lead the worship for the rest of the night. Waaahhhh gave me the same feeling of hearing them on my player. Such an anointed band! Blessed to have experienced this night.

With this pretty bunch! Wasn't able to see the rest of my churchmates!

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2014 Half-year Resolutions

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More than a year from the date of this entry, I am writing another set of resolutions for the coming half-year or maybe another year. It’s a good time to look back and self-assess on where I am now as compared to where I was. This is also in light of my blog’s sixth anniversary last July (which is supposed to be close to 10 years already). I planned to write both my half-year resolutions and anniversary entries but (apart from being a lola for most of the days) my July was fairly frenetic and I was in a stage of valuation – I guess this is now an annual thing for me having this “midyear-crisis” looking back to see how I should move forward for the rest of the year, or should I? Questions like this are typical occurrences in my mid-year state of mind. Rereading that entry, I want to restate them not because I haven’t accomplished them (some nos. though hahaha) but because I consider them as things that should be part of a year’s routine. 

Anyway, the first half (plus a month) of my 2014 was tremendous. I also reread my Hello 2014 entry and I feel glad, I feel blessed, I feel so thankful. But at the same time I also feel “lacking”. If there’s one thing I should have consistently done, it has nothing to do with my tasks at work or my sideline or with how I treat the people around me but I should have exercised my faith very eagerly. I feel like I lack of faith while doing the things I’ve been performing this year.  So for the rest of this year STRONGER FAITH!!

I blasted this year with prayer and fasting and the half-year with a fast as well. My faith should be indeed stronger! Blessed enough that browsing through my prayer journal, our God is indeed an answering God. Luke's promotion, my new job role meeting my salary expectation, fashion endeavour, are few among what's written inside. So excited for the next set of God's answers!!!

Anyways, I have more or less five more months to make 2014 the best year of my life.

More travelling and exploring. 

Need not be grand. Need not to be real destinations as what I mentioned in my 2014 resolutions. Despite the fact that I am currently “stuck” in Alabang, which is essentially one good reason to travel and discover more places. In the past half-year I fulfilled the part of travelling to local destinations – I’ve been to Baguio twice, I have climbed Mt. Pulag, I’ve been to Bataan and finally experienced Coron (so out of these I have only blogged on one yet hahaha medyo on time ako mag-blog haha). Though initially I aimed for a monthly travel, this is not bad at all. 

I also discovered new places to dwell in – coffee shops and restaurants too. And I still have five months to go somewhere else! It makes me giddy and I am praying that I would still be able to go somewhere else. Because in travelling, I discover more of me, and more of the people I am with, and more of the life around me, that I am just a tiny particle of the universe and that there is so much more to life. Anyway, I’m aiming for another or a couple more of local and an international. 

Thrive in my fashion endeavour. 

Yes, as what my family, friends and boyfriend hoped for me and I hoped for myself, I enrolled myself to a Fashion Design Course. I formally launched my “fashion business” though I don’t really want to call it business per se, I want it more of a creativity outlet for now, as I am a full-time employee still. But as I want to thrive in this endeavor, I want to spend 10,000 more hours (learned something from a Malcolm book) just sketching, reading, learning, and writing all about fashion. I am looking into enrolling again either this end of September or early November (currently my dilemma), was supposed to have enrolled myself and start classes this coming 23rd but as per boss amo’s piece of advice, “huwag muna”,which I later on realized is a good decision as I might spend most of my Saturday’s working on my December bride’s wedding dress and entourage and some more clients in between. 

I am also praying that before this year ends, I would have a workplace which I want to call my creative abode so that I can finally move from my tiny office inside my room and have a slightly bigger space. I am also praying for suppliers, financiers, and a set of lovely fitting forms haha! Specifically stated? I also pray to invest on sewing machines and of course on people who would work with me. Farfetched?? Yes, maybe, but I believe in a bigger and sovereign God. I entrust all of these to Him. 

Devotion is the key to a beautiful day. To do it during the early hours of the day to have good conditioning. 

Read more!! Again hahaha. Goal is 50 books this year but best of luck hahaha! So far I read a little more than 10?? 

Save and hit the target. Push!!!

On time journaling just like I used to be. Hahaha obviously, this post as an evidence, I lag in blogging.

Get a driver’s license. So this has been a resolution ever since? Just got to show that it's not really  my priority hehehe but who knows when God might send me my car this year too?? Haha, why not, I am claiming it!!! 

These are my main resolutions and some more tads in between. I pray that I would eventually cross these all out. ☺ And oh yes if you noticed my blog’s sidebar, materially, I finally invested on my “dream” thingamajigs hahaha! And I thank boss amo for helping me attain them! ☺ So that’s all for now. Will revisit this from time to time and before this year ends. What’s yours?

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Hillsong United Manila 2014

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June 13, 2014 -- At the Smart Araneta Coliseum, I witnessed the gifted worshipers of Hillsong United. This is not a first time. Too bad that this Friday I had a jampacked schedule that we arrived late. All of us came from work, together with Jezrah, Grace, Emily (who again flew all the way from Davao) and boss amo. I on the other hand had to squeeze in between a client meeting. As shown in the photos below, we were not able to get a good seat, we were at the bad side of the coliseum. Konti na lang likod na hahaha.

We were not able to fully appreciate the event but we witnessed how the Spirit moved the audience. I saw a lot of jumping, hands raised, voices lifted -- I felt hearts longing for worship. It looked like a typical contemporary concert, only that it is for His glory. I prayed during those hours that let these very people share the goodness and grace of Christ through Hillsong United Manila's music. I prayed that the event is not the end. 

I also felt glad that they still sang their earlier worship songs. Yes people, they also had One Way as the encore, the very song we labelled as the youth's "national anthem". I had a nostalgia of remembering my youth days as an active youth ministry member. I uttered a prayer -- a prayer that I've been waiting for an answer since early last year. 

They also sang Mighty to Save, one of the songs that always captured my spirit. It was a beautiful scene. When that part "shine Your light and let the whole world see..." was being sung, that photo above happened. The lights were off, and only flashlights or phone lights were waving while a sound of angels were singing the lines. 

It was another night dedicated to the Most High with this pretty bunch. Now we are looking forward to Saved Festival 2014. 

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Passion Manila 2014

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March 28, 2014 -- For the third time, even though age-wise I already do not belong to the “young people”, I still attended this year’s Passion Manila event. I could still recall the delightful feeling of being in this event way back in 2008, their first time to be here and was held at the former “Ultra”. They moved into a bigger location, The Big Dome, in 2010, and yes I still attended it. This year they still held it at the Big Dome but on two nights. My heart prays that as the “audience” grew bigger so is the ripple effect of letting people most especially more young people know the loving and saving grace of God, of making Him known. Well, the event in itself is FOR HIS RENOWN.

I remember the first time around it was just me and my sister. We regretted the fact that it was only the both of us who were able to experience such life-changing event. For 2010, I made it sure that our church’s young people will be able to attend it. And because they already experienced it back in 2010, they made it sure that they would be present on this year’s event. So here we are together and united for this event.

with my sister and Luke

When you are in the presence of God, everything is just better. It feels so utterly good. During the Passion Manila 2014, the Big Dome was transformed into a big dance floor wherein the people are joyfully singing, swaying and dancing for Him. When you know that you have a “Prodigal Father”, you will rejoice! I especially liked the message that night. I held onto it. God provided us every single thing that we need, and, what maybe beyond our knowledge, so much more. We are His sons and daughters. Sometimes, all we need to do is ask. We have to be aware of our position as God’s children! So powerful!!! Now I am very well aware how extravagant my Father is. I will not limit Him when I pray. Grabe!!

The Passion268 is greatly blessed and anointed as their songs, the sharing of the Word, the visuals and lighting, once again did not fail in stirring our hearts to praise and worship. We were lead into the heart of worship and prayer. We were lead into a powerful night of adoration to the Almighty. Sarap sa feeling!!

Mareng Emily flew all the way from Davao for the second time just to witness this event

It was such a magnificent night. All to Him. All glory to Him.

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Relying on God

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I've had bad times and moments because of my frustrations. But I've learned to trust God and lift them all up to Him. I've learned to always ask for His guidance and believe in His purpose in me. One day I was too frustrated that I already cried to myself. Then I have very timely encountered this devotional and it greatly helped. I found myself crying to Him. Since then, I relied more on the Author of my story. Life became more bearable. He worked on and through my frustrations.

Relying on God 

I believe every time we feel frustration, it means we've really stopped relying on God. That might sound like a bold statement to you, but think about it: God's given you and me His Holy Spirit and His grace to help us walk through anything that comes our way. Frustration hits when we stop depending on Him and try to make something happen our own way.
Understanding this really helped me. Every time I became frustrated, I reminded myself that what I was really doing was trying to take the place of the Holy Spirit. I was trying to be Holy Spirit Junior! 

Do you struggle with an independent spirit? When you refuse to depend on God, in essence, you're saying, "Okay, God, I appreciate that You're around, but watch me do this." Depending on God for everything may be difficult, but it's the key to the victory we need every single day of our lives. 

When God saved us, He didn't help us and then say, "Ok, that's it. You're on your own now!" He's eternally saved us, which means if we depend on Him, He will guide us and help us. 

Galations 5:16 urges us to "walk and live [habitually] in the [Holy] Spirit...then you will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh".... Notice that it doesn't say "conquer the flesh independently...then you will certainly not gratify the desires of the flesh." No, it says to live in the Holy Spirit. 

Choose to stop living independently, and rely on the Holy Spirit. I promise you won't regret it! (Joyce Meyer)

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 

-Galatians 5:16

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Still Weaving

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So I'm home alone on a Sunday morning as I arrived home late last night already. I was having breakfast and thinking life ahead of me. Alam mo yung normal na napapaisip ka if am I on the right track, given that currently I enrolled myself in fashion school, started a tiny business, will transfer to a new company... I started thinking if I am in the right spot on this second of this date. And as I was already doing my devotional, I feel like God answered me through it. 

My life was in a bumpy ride but I couldn't be thankful enough to Him for where I am now is a lot better where I was. But STILL, I can’t help but be anxious of what might happen ahead of me. I may not be in a very tough time right now, I've been through tough times (thank God!), but I know God may allow these kinds of times again to happen.

As what this devotional is trying to relay, I must stop looking merely at the back side of my life’s tapestry. Ang daming buhol, ang daming gupit-gupit, there are threads I can’t even connect. And I must stop disappointing myself by expecting things would turn out the way I want it too. For the past few years, I found it hard entrusting it all to Him. Umiral ang pagkamatigas ng ulo ko that I wanted it my way. But amazingly, events turned out to be actually better than what I planned, one after the other, because I kept on praying and I entrusted it all to Him. Only God knows. What I feel right now? I am so eager of what masterpiece God created my life to be, He has a purpose, hence, I will continue to entrust my life to Him, well, He lent it to me anyway. 

“Called With A Purpose” 

"We know all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

Paul’s assurance in his letter to the Romans is one of the most quoted and least understood passage in the New Testament. When some people hear the verse, they flare in ager because they think Paul is saying that the traumatic event they’ve just experienced is good. But that’s not at all what he’s saying. 

Paul is inviting us to remember – in every situation, even the most painful ones – the final result of our lives’ tapestry. We should remember that the God of love, wisdom, and strength has the ability to weave the dark threads or our lives in with the light-colored ones to produce something beautiful. In our pain all we can see is the back of the fabric, but we can be assured that God will produce something fine out of it. 

Although God promises to work things for our good the promise of the verse isn’t that things will work out the way we want them to. God is the weaver and events are the threads. Our lives are just the loom on which He works to create His masterpiece. In many cases, we find that God’s design is quite different from what we hoped, dreamed, or even contemplated. We can either follow the design He has planned, or we can continue to demand our own way. One leads to life and peace; the other, to anger and despair, choose wisely, with faith in God and His design. 

Mankind is all too often inclined to take credit for his accomplishments, but when things go wrong, he blames God. -Zig Ziglar

Source: The One Year Daily Insights with Zig Ziglar and Dr. Ike Reighard

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239. Persistence in Prayer

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Sometimes, we are so persistent in “pestering” our parents, boyfriends, siblings, clients, or whoever in getting what we want. Or maybe we, ourselves, are so determined in getting what we want for ourselves i.e. saving too much to the point of starvation just to buy that pair of shoes or that signature bag. For guys, maybe they tend to be “pushy” in courting a girl they really like. How about in prayer? How about in asking God for the things we want, or rather, for the things He wants and long-planned for us? How persistent are we?

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