Freedom From Wanting Everything

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Not really in a pensive mood but more of inspired as I heard the Word of God in today's service. I can't help but share in my little way of how I am blessed. My heart was deeply touched I found myself keeping my tears from falling while listening to the pastor sharing the Word. Quite a number of people have been worried about me lately and I appreciate them for that. Yes, I am in struggle and in that struggling I discovered that I am actually carrying some unnecessary burden hence struggling for as long as I can remember, not just the recent months. How I treated it just bore me deeper into a hole and now it feels harder to get back up on the ground. I am a flawed being hiding in my fab, fashionable, well-coordinated or whatever you may call it ootd's. I am someone who is really lost and confused and not any travel destination can offset it. My constant increase in pay and profit from the sideline cannot compensate for what is really lacking in me. I felt like everything is just not enough. I felt entitled and I felt deserving of every damn good thing I could see. And so I fell apart and I am broken into pieces. Right now I am trying my best to refocus and find myself.

I bought this book titled "Gotta Have It!" (by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz) almost a year ago and if only I have read it earlier or right away, I can't help but think that maybe things would have not ended this way today. But well, life happened. I have a confession to make. I'm a hypocrite. I keep on saying thank You, talk and post about gratefulness but deep inside I have always been badly craving for more more more, wanting everything, just a bit of everything, because maybe I wasn't really being thankful, because if I was grateful, there should be contentment. Far from it people, that's how hypocrite I am. Deep inside of me I wasn't really contented. I lost myself in this awful path process I chose. And now that I'm trying my way back to the main road, it has been arduous -- really really difficult one. It's the result of my past hard-to-admit not-so-good choices. I have shifted my security to the things and people around me, which is WRONG. I chose to find comfort on the things that I wanted and did not resort to mending things and or figuring out what I truly need. I was so hard-headed, impatient, immature and so earthly. And now let me use the phrases I am suffering the consequences and I am learning the hard way. Whew, there goes my ego! But I need to accept these stinky things about me because it is through this that I will be really free. 

What I relearned in this really really tough process:

1. Be patient. Be patient with the Lord. God's got me covered in the things that I need and so with those things that I just want, I need patience, be patient with those excessities or things that I just want. Psalm 37:7 (GNT) says "Be patient and wait for the Lord to act; don't be worried about those who prosper or those who succeed in their evil plans." Leave the choice to Him regardless of how you feel. In the course of just a year, I had a lot of those what-if's and if-only's only because I tolerated my hard-head, my emotions, my earthly desires and did not really rely on His timeframe. I was so impatient that I immediately wanted things to happen NOW in my own time. I actually disregarded my favorite Proverbs 3:5 verse. I learned that patience is not giving up and not doing nothing. Patience is an optimistic expectation. Patience is fueled by hope. As Romans 5:3-4 (NIV) states, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Right now that I am in this very stage of my life, I guess this is the biggest test of my patience so far. I'm now relearning to fully trust the One who is the orchestrator of my life. In His time.

2. Rid of envy. Don't be bitter. Each of one is unique and so as how are lives are designed. Envy makes things worse. It's such an ugly ugly thing to have but for the past months it stayed with me. I cant't help compare myself, my successes, my life to what others have. I kept insulting Him of how He designed me and my life. I kept on questioning Him. Envy is such a strong feeling that won't make someone feel any good. I don't understand myself why I keep clinging to such revolting trait. I relearned to look inside of me and pray and discern of all the good things and the talents He has blessed me with and enhance on these, flourish from where I am planted. It's still hard because I am easily distracted, not to mention the harsh effects of social media. It also boils down to trusting Him and focusing on Him. "But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice." -James 3:14-16 (NIV)

2. Security and contentment is in our Lord. Seek Him always. If we  try to find security and contentment other than Him, it will always always fail. Trust me, I know how it feels finding security elsewhere and was I successful? Uhmmm NO. God gives and God takes things away. It is only in Him that I can find happiness, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction. The song Unending Love was sang by the worship team a while ago and it hit me so strong I felt like it was again my first time surrendering my life to Him (That's how flawed I am). The song says how I'll find everything I need in His unending love. If Jesus is in me, indeed how can I worry over other trivial things? How can I crave for anything that is less than Him, my everything, in me?

There's no silver or gold and no treasure untold that could draw me away from Your heart. Neither love of myself or of anyone else will do. Letting go of my pride I lay down my desires just to worship in Spirit and truth. More than all of my dreams, more than fame I will seek You Lord. Jesus, nothing compares to this grace that rescues me. Savior, now and forever Your face is all I seek. Now all I am I lay at Your feet I'm humbled by the wonder of Your majesty. One thing I know I find all I need In Your unending love, in Your unending love. Your love, Jesus.  

I've made a big deal of awful decisions and acted wrongly on different situations. Covered in shadows and regrets, it took me one big blow to decide to straighten things out. At the end of the day it's all about bringing back my focus to Him. It's all about Him. I am not telling that I am done with the process that I am a fully changed person. No. Far from it. I just accepted these sad facts and flaws. I am now in the process of moving on and growing up all in God's grace. I am also thankful for that someone who made me realize these things. Thank You, Lord, and thank you for loving me this way. I'll come out of this better, and into that woman You designed me to be.

"Every time you are confronted with a choice between what you want to do and what you need to do, make the most of that chance. Choose wisely and move forward. If you take a step backward, learn from it and grow; use your head. Above all, keep going, keep progressing in your understanding of where to go to truly meet the need. [...] In the end, it really comes down to you and God, which is a very good thing when it comes to needs. In Matthew 6:8, Jesus reassures you that God's got you covered in that department; He already knows what you need even before you ask."

I'll leave you this beautiful song.

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"Let everything you say be good and helpful"

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Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. –Ephesians 4:29 

I do not know anyone who hears curses as music to the ears or who enjoys a lot hearing negative statements, and more so who feels giddy when people give you uncalled, out-of-nowhere criticism or insult. On one of my morning devotions, I have re-encountered the verse above. I am reminded that my tongue should be more of a tool of flourishing words and statements than damaging ones. I noticed that recently my mouth has been gabbling a lot of rants and more than nourishing talks. I feel thankful that I have a boyfriend who forthrightly told me about this. Come to think of it, maybe one reason why I have been feeling discouraged lately is because of my self-dissuasion - because the words I say instead of affirming and attracting the maybe supposed-to-be good things blow them away instead. And it’s just the beginning of the year, it doesn’t seem right. I may have been insensitive as well to what these words have caused others, too. I might have triggered someone else’s negative emotions unknowingly. 

 It was a timely reminder that Oops Merie, hush those. You might not be saying curse words like p*ta and f*ck but the negative statements are just as bad. I prayed for my heart first, that whatever it holds, I lift them all up to Him. And that my tongue would help exude the more gratifying portion, that the words coming out will be nice and caring; that when people hear me they will be more blessed and be inspired; that I may help instead of making things worse; that I may encourage than dishearten someone’s spirit. Words even like small compliments can make someone’s day. Maybe that someone just needed a simple praise to help him get by the day. I told myself to be not selfish in giving out compliments no matter how I critique about anything, I must learn how to give tiny compliments, to encourage even in the most trivial way. 

I also came across this “Drive by Compliments” video which is lovely to watch. You’d see those genuine smiles. You have no idea whose day you can make. On a side note, in Philippine streets setting, medyo creepy ang dating but it can still make someone smile.

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I am claiming all these wishes...

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Soon we'll say hi to 2015. Wow, where did all those days go? Anyway, I just want to share this message from Purpose Fairy. Such a nice letter and I am claiming all these wishes. This is my prayer for you, too. Praying for a blessed and joyous new year coming your way.

Hi Merie,

As 2014 comes to an end and the New Year approaches...

"I wish you’ll let go of all thoughts of limitation and I
hope you’ll stop settling for less than you are worth.

I wish you’ll put aside all your fears and insecurities
and I hope you’ll find the courage to take risks and make
all your dreams come true.

I wish you’ll find the courage to lose sight of the shore
so that you can discover new oceans.

I wish you’ll start believing in yourself as much as you
want the world to believe in you.

I wish you’ll pour your love into everything you do and I
hope you’ll make your life a work of art.

I wish you’ll learn to smile more and frown less; to trust
more and doubt less; to feel more and think less; to listen
more and talk less.

I wish you’ll give yourself permission to stop taking yourself
so seriously and enjoy life a little more.

I wish you’ll give yourself permission to be silly and weird,
to laugh when you feel like laughing and to cry when you feel
like crying.

I wish you’ll cleanse your inner vision until you see nothing but
light, your own and of those around you.

I wish you’ll stop chasing love and approval outside of you and start
seeking your own love and approval instead.

I wish you’ll always keep a humble heart and no matter how bad the
world will treat you, I hope you’ll look at it with eyes of love.

I wish you’ll learn to treat everyone with love and respect and I hope
you’ll make every person you come in contact with feel that there is
something valuable in them.

I wish you’ll surround yourself with the best kind of people, positive
and cheerful spirits, beautiful and loving souls.

I wish you’ll love with all your heart and no matter if you’ll get hurt,
lied or betrayed, I hope you’ll never lose your faith in love.

I wish you’ll put aside all thoughts of envy and jealousy and look at
those who already accomplished many of the things you wish to accomplish
with respect and admiration.

I wish you’ll learn to honor and embrace yourself fully, and I hope
you’ll love yourself as much as you want others to love you.

I wish you’ll learn to forgive and let go of all thoughts of anger and
resentment, and I hope you’ll allow peace, love and tranquility to enter
your heart.

I wish you’ll let go of the past and all the pain that it caused you,
and I hope you’ll allow it to make you better not bitter.

I wish you’ll find the strength to turn your wounds into wisdom
and all your difficulties into opportunities.

I wish you’ll learn to be grateful for every experience life
sends your way.

I wish you’ll allow your so called mistakes and failures to teach
you gratitude, patience, humility and compassion. And I hope you’ll
put all thoughts of blame, judgement and criticism behind you.

I wish you’ll become a reflection of that which you want to see in
the world and I hope you’ll make the rest of your life the best of
your life.”

Happy Holidays, to you and all those dear to you :)

With all my Love,
Luminita aka PurposeFairy

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2014 Half-year Resolutions

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More than a year from the date of this entry, I am writing another set of resolutions for the coming half-year or maybe another year. It’s a good time to look back and self-assess on where I am now as compared to where I was. This is also in light of my blog’s sixth anniversary last July (which is supposed to be close to 10 years already). I planned to write both my half-year resolutions and anniversary entries but (apart from being a lola for most of the days) my July was fairly frenetic and I was in a stage of valuation – I guess this is now an annual thing for me having this “midyear-crisis” looking back to see how I should move forward for the rest of the year, or should I? Questions like this are typical occurrences in my mid-year state of mind. Rereading that entry, I want to restate them not because I haven’t accomplished them (some nos. though hahaha) but because I consider them as things that should be part of a year’s routine. 

Anyway, the first half (plus a month) of my 2014 was tremendous. I also reread my Hello 2014 entry and I feel glad, I feel blessed, I feel so thankful. But at the same time I also feel “lacking”. If there’s one thing I should have consistently done, it has nothing to do with my tasks at work or my sideline or with how I treat the people around me but I should have exercised my faith very eagerly. I feel like I lack of faith while doing the things I’ve been performing this year.  So for the rest of this year STRONGER FAITH!!

I blasted this year with prayer and fasting and the half-year with a fast as well. My faith should be indeed stronger! Blessed enough that browsing through my prayer journal, our God is indeed an answering God. Luke's promotion, my new job role meeting my salary expectation, fashion endeavour, are few among what's written inside. So excited for the next set of God's answers!!!

Anyways, I have more or less five more months to make 2014 the best year of my life.

More travelling and exploring. 

Need not be grand. Need not to be real destinations as what I mentioned in my 2014 resolutions. Despite the fact that I am currently “stuck” in Alabang, which is essentially one good reason to travel and discover more places. In the past half-year I fulfilled the part of travelling to local destinations – I’ve been to Baguio twice, I have climbed Mt. Pulag, I’ve been to Bataan and finally experienced Coron (so out of these I have only blogged on one yet hahaha medyo on time ako mag-blog haha). Though initially I aimed for a monthly travel, this is not bad at all. 

I also discovered new places to dwell in – coffee shops and restaurants too. And I still have five months to go somewhere else! It makes me giddy and I am praying that I would still be able to go somewhere else. Because in travelling, I discover more of me, and more of the people I am with, and more of the life around me, that I am just a tiny particle of the universe and that there is so much more to life. Anyway, I’m aiming for another or a couple more of local and an international. 

Thrive in my fashion endeavour. 

Yes, as what my family, friends and boyfriend hoped for me and I hoped for myself, I enrolled myself to a Fashion Design Course. I formally launched my “fashion business” though I don’t really want to call it business per se, I want it more of a creativity outlet for now, as I am a full-time employee still. But as I want to thrive in this endeavor, I want to spend 10,000 more hours (learned something from a Malcolm book) just sketching, reading, learning, and writing all about fashion. I am looking into enrolling again either this end of September or early November (currently my dilemma), was supposed to have enrolled myself and start classes this coming 23rd but as per boss amo’s piece of advice, “huwag muna”,which I later on realized is a good decision as I might spend most of my Saturday’s working on my December bride’s wedding dress and entourage and some more clients in between. 

I am also praying that before this year ends, I would have a workplace which I want to call my creative abode so that I can finally move from my tiny office inside my room and have a slightly bigger space. I am also praying for suppliers, financiers, and a set of lovely fitting forms haha! Specifically stated? I also pray to invest on sewing machines and of course on people who would work with me. Farfetched?? Yes, maybe, but I believe in a bigger and sovereign God. I entrust all of these to Him. 

Devotion is the key to a beautiful day. To do it during the early hours of the day to have good conditioning. 

Read more!! Again hahaha. Goal is 50 books this year but best of luck hahaha! So far I read a little more than 10?? 

Save and hit the target. Push!!!

On time journaling just like I used to be. Hahaha obviously, this post as an evidence, I lag in blogging.

Get a driver’s license. So this has been a resolution ever since? Just got to show that it's not really  my priority hehehe but who knows when God might send me my car this year too?? Haha, why not, I am claiming it!!! 

These are my main resolutions and some more tads in between. I pray that I would eventually cross these all out. ☺ And oh yes if you noticed my blog’s sidebar, materially, I finally invested on my “dream” thingamajigs hahaha! And I thank boss amo for helping me attain them! ☺ So that’s all for now. Will revisit this from time to time and before this year ends. What’s yours?

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Monday Musings: The Power of Introverts

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Squeezed in 19-minutes of my time just to watch this because if there is one person I know who understands who I am, that is her, Susan Cain, the writer of the book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking". I am not yet done reading the book but as I read along, I am amazed by how the pages seem like they talk to me personally. In short, I can greatly relate.

Susan Cain did an extensive research and provided a whole lot of references on her book and watching her talk in this video made my day like she was bringing out something in me. Hahaha ang drama and feeling close. You might find it weird but in this world where according to her, the "culture of personality" is greatly approved of, there is someone like Susan Cain who strongly believes in the power of those people who prefer to be alone. Only a fellow introvert would very much relate.

I am one with her vision. I believe in the power of introverts. Thank you Susan for making me feel that it's totally alright to choose solitude or being alone with my book, choosing to talk the least in a group discussion or brainstorming, that it's okay to not jump right away into things that seem socially acceptable. And I am one with the vision, that despite my being introvert, I would certainly allow the rest of the world to see what's in my suitcase.

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205. Finding balance between contenment and ambition

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I just want to share one aid in my devotion from Joyce Meyer pertaining to dreams and visions. I have read this a year (or two) ago and came across it once again today. I pray that whatever dreams or visions you may have, whether simple, short-term, long-shot, or almost-impossible, and if you’re on the verge of quitting, if that dream is placed by God in your heart, may you not give up on them. It’s one thing that no one can take away from you. It's one thing God would want you to accomplish. I pray that these words through its writer may help you as well. :)

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182. Monday Musings: The one that scares you the most...

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http://memoriessewprecious.wordpress.com/2012/01/

When you have two good options, always go with the one that scares you the most, because that’s the one that’s going to help you grow.

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175. Monday Musings: “Just because you don’t understand something now doesn’t mean the explanation doesn’t exist”

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“Just because you don’t understand something now doesn’t mean the explanation doesn’t exist.”

And here comes another post on the quarter-life-crisis series. Lol. I’m kidding. But maybe it’s half-meant. Haha! When I think about the future, to be honest, it scares me. I have seen a lot of lives in front of me of which some I have even seen unfold. Not all of them are amazing. Some were fabulous. Some are so-so. And some sadly didn't turn out fine. It created fears inside me. At the back of my mind, I told myself, I don’t want to end up like that. Not good. And do you ever have the feeling that you feel like what you’re doing right now that you believe to be rightful at the moment feels like would not help you on your dream future? (Gulo ba basta yun…) Or help create your dreams into reality? And you just can’t get an explanation out of it? Nag-aral naman ako nang mabuti... Nakapagtapos naman ako... I have a diploma...  Bakit si ganyan hindi naman ganito... Siya nga mas tamad pa sa kin blablabla... Aminin, the list of questions doesn’t end there. It feels like it’s happening, it’s just going down the gutter for you-feel-like no apparent reason at all! I’m just human gifted with overflowing sensitivity and emotional factors haha and I feel such sometimes.

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162. Monday Musings: Or Maybe Something Greater

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Don't you just long for that day, to finally see in front of you what you've long been yearning for or as the above statement says, something better? I do. A lot. But of course, I'm still in the constant seeking phase, I love using this -- I still see a vast horizon in front of me.

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157. Monday Musings

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One of the hardest things to do in life is to love ourselves. It's so easy to see our flaws and failures and these actually readily conceals the greatness and beauty that God has intended for us to be. We are often trapped in this world's superficiality that we fail to realize that we are more than what we do or own -- it's who we are. 

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154. Monday Musings: Reached What?

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Source: http://www.explodingdog.com/dumbpict51/reachforthesky.gif

You guys, there are days that I’m really convinced that im having a quarter life crisis. Growing up. Getting old. Whatever. But one thing’s for sure, years do pile up so as experience, knowledge, and learning and even material acquisitions. But, Merie, come to think of it, what else? Questions like how far I have gone on the road that I decided to take, well im not even that fully decided, see!! Actually, I have been feeling calm and good about myself lately and I know it’s all because of the joy, peace and strength that come from God. Constant talking to the One who always listens is really really direly helpful! But, of course, when face to face with reality I tend to still wonder and my mind is in wander.

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151. Monday Musings: From Now On

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The truth is, the greater part of your happiness or misery depends solely upon your attitude towards any given moment, regardless of the events contained within. You need much less than you think you need to be happy, and you usually have a lot more than you think you have. There’s always something worth smiling about. It’s just a matter of thinking differently. (Marc and Angel)

 

It's hard isn't it, being always happy, trying to embrace positivity because we are mere humans and our emotions most of the time are the reasons of our downfall. It may be hard to be thankful having a two-peso donut bought from some lowly bakery when you see someone deliciously munching on a donut from J Co.

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147. Monday Musings on Monday Blues

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I don’t know if it’s just Monday Blues version of Monday Musings but there is this sad weird annoying feeling in me. I’m a normal human being who has her own set of insecurities and frustrations and for some reason today, I felt like everything is in front of me! A lot of questions flashed in the insides of my brain. At one point I felt like this time I was sure that I am having a quarter-life crisis. It’s hard to feel good. I stuffed myself with sweets (like I don’t always already do). Listening to Christian music helped (thank you Chris Tomlin, Michael Gungor and Desperation Band for accompanying me). But I keep on thinking. Am I the only one who’s like this? Whose mind just don’t pause on thinking and when it thinks of the not-so-good stuff it’s like fuelled even more to think negatively. I guess there are just times like this (apart from the monthly PMS-ing).

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135. Monday Musings: Rule of a Creator's Life

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Stumbled upon this image once upon a time while Pinterest-ing. I can't help but ponder on it as this photo is very relative to me! I know many of us do! We all can relate and on my part, there is just the urge and maybe a need to live by these words.

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130. Monday Musings: Hello August

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There is the rushing feeling inside me whenever July is torn from or is flipped on the calendar and I see that August is already the month. September comes next and then it's again the end of the year. August rush eh? But, yes, I do feel like everything's rushing as soon as August's up. And what I'm thinking now is this "August, you're up and I must already have done something big but I feel like there isn't big. I am starting to feel frustrated but no, I guess there were these little things I have accomplished and these shall fuel me. I must do more..." Self-helping, I read these quotes already compiled on one of my favorite blogs, Mark and Angel Hack Life -- never fails to pick me up and put me back on my senses. I find these words very encouraging and hopefully, these words remain ringing in my head. Bring it August!

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