Sunday, July 31, 2016

When God answers...


Hello from Catanduanes! The island is quiet on a Sunday at 10PM. I like how simple and peaceful the life here is. Hayyy. The more I visit provinces, the more I want to settle in some province than in Manila. I like the people here, in provinces. And with solo traveling, I love the feeling that no one knows you. But the point of this post has nothing to do with my stay here. Haha! Just to segue, I had one decision to make, I prayed for it and this trip which was booked months ago incidentally paved way to my personal sabbath and make a decision.

When God answers... I've been praying for a lot of things lately -- a lot of audacious things actually. And know what? I feel like I've been getting a lot of "No's" (well I wouldn't know if it's a "not yet" yet). Those times that I linger on the thought, I can't help but feel sad. I know I would surely get your empathy as soon as you get to know what I feel like these "missed" opportunities were (I said "what I feel" because certainly God knows best and may actually mean it's not an opportunity for me!)... But you know, God answers in amazing ways. So for those times when I've been praying for the answer, and I felt like I got a NO, I then started praying for the "why's". And funny how God answered.

"Count your blessings..."

In my last birthday in FactSet (2012), my team compiled words of encouragement from the whole department -- from my trainees, workmates, etc. They told me that in times I feel discouraged, I just need to pick a piece of paper from this "treasure box". What I did was to read them all at once as soon as I got it. Until it occurred to me just a few days back to use it for its purpose. Yes, that photo above is the one that I first picked. And then I started crying in prayer to God. I know it was God talking to me through that piece if paper.

I kept praying. You know, I tend to be really hard-headed in my prayers. A few days after I got below. 

"God has His own perfect timing."

Wow. "Ayos ah, ayaw niyo po talaga ibigay sa 'kin..." Hahaha! 

Back in June, I applied for a scholarship in a fashion school somewhere in Europe. Lakas ng loob ko hahaha! I just gave it a shot, even though at the back of my mind it's a really loooonnggg one. I submitted requirements, drafted my motivation letter a no. of times just to get their attention, answered the interview the best that I can, and prayed really hard. I told no one, not even my parents. I cryptically told Twitter though HAHAHA! Just a few hours before my trip to Catanduanes, I got a mail from them telling me that I got a scholarship, it's for a one year intensive fashion design course by the way. 

As I'm writing this post. I have already made up my mind. I realized that when God answers, He has his unique ways of making you understand His direction. Not all the time that He would give you a loud YES nor an obvious NO -- there would be times that He would make you realize, to decipher. We have the mind of Christ after all (1 Corinthians 2:16). So the email that I got? It's an answer, but it's not the answer.

Sorry for being so vague about my heart's desires, my prayers, my decision. I know someday I will be sharing it here to maybe inspire others but for now I want to keep it to myself. But I'm really grateful, life is surprisingly good, despite the seemingly mountains of problems I have (mukha lang wala pero meron meron meron!!!)

I drafted this post before I got an email regarding my scholarship application. I initially would post just on the picked up pieces of paper from the treasure box but God just sent another answer before I'm about to post this.

So to those who wrote those two way back in 2012, thank you!!

"And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."
-Matthew 21:22
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Tuesday, July 19, 2016


At this very moment I'm writing, I am here in Butuan, alone. This is "officially" my second solo trip, my first locally. Why do I do it? On the surface, I simply want to wander and escape Manila. I want out of my "everydayness". On a much in-depth note, I want to know my capabilities, of my strengths, and to abate my weaknesses. I want to discover more of me. Apparently my nearing three decades of lifetime seems foreign to myself. And I thought I already know "Merie". No, there is so much beyond her unearthed. She has attached herself to a lot of things, and as soon as they're gone a piece of her went with them. 

I want to have an attachment to myself. That nothing can tear my identity apart. NOTHING.

It may sound selfish, but I guess I have been selfless enough -- in both positive and negative of ways.

And an attachment to the Someone within me. That my focus may be retuned to him. Nothing else above. I want to hear him loud and clear. I want him to direct my path. I want his signs and miracles. Because my identity is in him.

And I will keep traveling solo, until I visit all 81 provinces and until I set my feet on all continents. Until myself is no longer sufficient to discover myself. Until there is nothing left to discover.
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