91. incoherent

I just feel like writing. I'm done with my project and I'm not in the mood just yet to go back to the normal pace of working. I've been thinking a lot lately. No. Let me prolong that. I have always been thinking a lot. But lately I have been thinking a lot more. It has been sort of my coping mechanism whenever I feel like my life is about to go downhill. But my life isn't about to go downhill, really. I am not depressed either. Just 'that feeling'. Or maybe, I am confused. Okay enough, actually there is this joy inside of me that at times I can not contain. Let me go back and maybe reiterate and end up repeating a sentence that was already stated. Lately I have been thinking a lot more. Welcome to my random thoughts and musings.

My brain cells are in a sort of a roller coaster ride. Always. They instantly jump from a thought to the other.

Like at one point an annoying brain cell would let me remember my age. I would just like to get rid of the thought. You know like popping a bubble. Because age comes with my frustrations. The dreamer in me is in a hiatus, an indefinite one. And every thought of a dream which is not within reach YET (i reiterate YET) I would suddenly like to curl into a ball at one corner of my room, preferably at the corner of my bed. And then I would foolishly remind myself to never give up but question the voice that's almost a whisper now.

"Maybe it's MY dream." Again, I would say to myself. Maybe it's not for me. Discouraging oneself is a lot easier than doing the opposite.

Then a giddy brain cell would just tell me to look what's in front of me.

The things in front of me...

I maybe not a fashion design student (JUST YET), but this Saturday and future Saturdays, I'll be a student and study homiletic and hermeneutics. Oh there, this is a path that never crossed my mind. I have this desire to dig deeper my Potter's words. I lack passion, just desire. Yes, I do daily devotions but it's not enough, I guess? And also it will help me with the cell I'm planning and praying to handle. So maybe studying these is a rather good forward step. Umhmmm.

Don't you also know that I'm a frustrated pianist who at first hated my Mom for enrolling me to piano lessons. Not only that, I've been wanting to be part of a band. Hahaha! I'm such a frustrated person. But last Sunday, some of us girls from the ministry started practicing for a special number. You have no idea how happy I am!! I'm playing chords now and not notes. But I miss seeing clefs and notes and rests and the staff. Most of the time, I regret disobeying my Mom and cutting those music classes. I should have known by now how to play other pieces and not stuck on playing minuet in G. Or the 'easy' parts of Fur Elise and Etude. This I can say, Moms know best.

And I guess this is one of the RARE times I'm saying something about what's about to be blurted out. Last Sunday, my mentor mentioned about having 'parenting' as a topic for our youth gatherings. And my initial reaction was 'Ay, WOW Tita! Pwede boyfriend muna?' And the youth laughed (like how I expected it). It's still my moment so I said 'May boyfriend na kaya ako..' Others say 'sino, Korean na naman', 'Siwon', 'weh..' 'joke' etc etc. Oh my sister's reaction would always be epic 'Ate, kahit 3yrs na kayo ng boyfriend, para sa 'kin joke pa rin yun. Pati boyfriend mo, iisipin joke yun.' That's how my sister and I are sweet to each other. But no matter how and what they responded, they all thought it's still part of my humor. And when my high school friends wondered who'll get married first, I responded 'I'. And they said 'APOCALYPSE na yun Merie'. I totally get why they would react like that. And honestly, it's really like part of my humor. I just don't see myself in a relationship. Not because of my super strict Mom when it comes to this matter, not because of anyone's pressure or influence -- IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T WANT TO. I choose not to even how hard I fell for that guy who courted me, I still didn't. Don't ask me why, because my answer might make you think I'm a lunatic. Also, you really don't need to know like you really don't need to know all these things I'm saying in this entry, in this blog. Or maybe I portray the role of an all-knowing girl saying 'I just know we'll not marry each other someday'. Eeeeep. This is why I don't like this topic. But maybe, I need a turn and start courting girls. Jk. Maybe I should consider already. Ate Seng's married now, anyway. Hah!

Enough.

My mind will keep wandering but for now I need to snap back to reality.