Freedom From Wanting Everything

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Not really in a pensive mood but more of inspired as I heard the Word of God in today's service. I can't help but share in my little way of how I am blessed. My heart was deeply touched I found myself keeping my tears from falling while listening to the pastor sharing the Word. Quite a number of people have been worried about me lately and I appreciate them for that. Yes, I am in struggle and in that struggling I discovered that I am actually carrying some unnecessary burden hence struggling for as long as I can remember, not just the recent months. How I treated it just bore me deeper into a hole and now it feels harder to get back up on the ground. I am a flawed being hiding in my fab, fashionable, well-coordinated or whatever you may call it ootd's. I am someone who is really lost and confused and not any travel destination can offset it. My constant increase in pay and profit from the sideline cannot compensate for what is really lacking in me. I felt like everything is just not enough. I felt entitled and I felt deserving of every damn good thing I could see. And so I fell apart and I am broken into pieces. Right now I am trying my best to refocus and find myself.

I bought this book titled "Gotta Have It!" (by Dr. Gregory L. Jantz) almost a year ago and if only I have read it earlier or right away, I can't help but think that maybe things would have not ended this way today. But well, life happened. I have a confession to make. I'm a hypocrite. I keep on saying thank You, talk and post about gratefulness but deep inside I have always been badly craving for more more more, wanting everything, just a bit of everything, because maybe I wasn't really being thankful, because if I was grateful, there should be contentment. Far from it people, that's how hypocrite I am. Deep inside of me I wasn't really contented. I lost myself in this awful path process I chose. And now that I'm trying my way back to the main road, it has been arduous -- really really difficult one. It's the result of my past hard-to-admit not-so-good choices. I have shifted my security to the things and people around me, which is WRONG. I chose to find comfort on the things that I wanted and did not resort to mending things and or figuring out what I truly need. I was so hard-headed, impatient, immature and so earthly. And now let me use the phrases I am suffering the consequences and I am learning the hard way. Whew, there goes my ego! But I need to accept these stinky things about me because it is through this that I will be really free. 

What I relearned in this really really tough process:

1. Be patient. Be patient with the Lord. God's got me covered in the things that I need and so with those things that I just want, I need patience, be patient with those excessities or things that I just want. Psalm 37:7 (GNT) says "Be patient and wait for the Lord to act; don't be worried about those who prosper or those who succeed in their evil plans." Leave the choice to Him regardless of how you feel. In the course of just a year, I had a lot of those what-if's and if-only's only because I tolerated my hard-head, my emotions, my earthly desires and did not really rely on His timeframe. I was so impatient that I immediately wanted things to happen NOW in my own time. I actually disregarded my favorite Proverbs 3:5 verse. I learned that patience is not giving up and not doing nothing. Patience is an optimistic expectation. Patience is fueled by hope. As Romans 5:3-4 (NIV) states, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Right now that I am in this very stage of my life, I guess this is the biggest test of my patience so far. I'm now relearning to fully trust the One who is the orchestrator of my life. In His time.

2. Rid of envy. Don't be bitter. Each of one is unique and so as how are lives are designed. Envy makes things worse. It's such an ugly ugly thing to have but for the past months it stayed with me. I cant't help compare myself, my successes, my life to what others have. I kept insulting Him of how He designed me and my life. I kept on questioning Him. Envy is such a strong feeling that won't make someone feel any good. I don't understand myself why I keep clinging to such revolting trait. I relearned to look inside of me and pray and discern of all the good things and the talents He has blessed me with and enhance on these, flourish from where I am planted. It's still hard because I am easily distracted, not to mention the harsh effects of social media. It also boils down to trusting Him and focusing on Him. "But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice." -James 3:14-16 (NIV)

2. Security and contentment is in our Lord. Seek Him always. If we  try to find security and contentment other than Him, it will always always fail. Trust me, I know how it feels finding security elsewhere and was I successful? Uhmmm NO. God gives and God takes things away. It is only in Him that I can find happiness, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction. The song Unending Love was sang by the worship team a while ago and it hit me so strong I felt like it was again my first time surrendering my life to Him (That's how flawed I am). The song says how I'll find everything I need in His unending love. If Jesus is in me, indeed how can I worry over other trivial things? How can I crave for anything that is less than Him, my everything, in me?

There's no silver or gold and no treasure untold that could draw me away from Your heart. Neither love of myself or of anyone else will do. Letting go of my pride I lay down my desires just to worship in Spirit and truth. More than all of my dreams, more than fame I will seek You Lord. Jesus, nothing compares to this grace that rescues me. Savior, now and forever Your face is all I seek. Now all I am I lay at Your feet I'm humbled by the wonder of Your majesty. One thing I know I find all I need In Your unending love, in Your unending love. Your love, Jesus.  

I've made a big deal of awful decisions and acted wrongly on different situations. Covered in shadows and regrets, it took me one big blow to decide to straighten things out. At the end of the day it's all about bringing back my focus to Him. It's all about Him. I am not telling that I am done with the process that I am a fully changed person. No. Far from it. I just accepted these sad facts and flaws. I am now in the process of moving on and growing up all in God's grace. I am also thankful for that someone who made me realize these things. Thank You, Lord, and thank you for loving me this way. I'll come out of this better, and into that woman You designed me to be.

"Every time you are confronted with a choice between what you want to do and what you need to do, make the most of that chance. Choose wisely and move forward. If you take a step backward, learn from it and grow; use your head. Above all, keep going, keep progressing in your understanding of where to go to truly meet the need. [...] In the end, it really comes down to you and God, which is a very good thing when it comes to needs. In Matthew 6:8, Jesus reassures you that God's got you covered in that department; He already knows what you need even before you ask."

I'll leave you this beautiful song.

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"Let everything you say be good and helpful"

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Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. –Ephesians 4:29 

I do not know anyone who hears curses as music to the ears or who enjoys a lot hearing negative statements, and more so who feels giddy when people give you uncalled, out-of-nowhere criticism or insult. On one of my morning devotions, I have re-encountered the verse above. I am reminded that my tongue should be more of a tool of flourishing words and statements than damaging ones. I noticed that recently my mouth has been gabbling a lot of rants and more than nourishing talks. I feel thankful that I have a boyfriend who forthrightly told me about this. Come to think of it, maybe one reason why I have been feeling discouraged lately is because of my self-dissuasion - because the words I say instead of affirming and attracting the maybe supposed-to-be good things blow them away instead. And it’s just the beginning of the year, it doesn’t seem right. I may have been insensitive as well to what these words have caused others, too. I might have triggered someone else’s negative emotions unknowingly. 

 It was a timely reminder that Oops Merie, hush those. You might not be saying curse words like p*ta and f*ck but the negative statements are just as bad. I prayed for my heart first, that whatever it holds, I lift them all up to Him. And that my tongue would help exude the more gratifying portion, that the words coming out will be nice and caring; that when people hear me they will be more blessed and be inspired; that I may help instead of making things worse; that I may encourage than dishearten someone’s spirit. Words even like small compliments can make someone’s day. Maybe that someone just needed a simple praise to help him get by the day. I told myself to be not selfish in giving out compliments no matter how I critique about anything, I must learn how to give tiny compliments, to encourage even in the most trivial way. 

I also came across this “Drive by Compliments” video which is lovely to watch. You’d see those genuine smiles. You have no idea whose day you can make. On a side note, in Philippine streets setting, medyo creepy ang dating but it can still make someone smile.

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Still Weaving

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So I'm home alone on a Sunday morning as I arrived home late last night already. I was having breakfast and thinking life ahead of me. Alam mo yung normal na napapaisip ka if am I on the right track, given that currently I enrolled myself in fashion school, started a tiny business, will transfer to a new company... I started thinking if I am in the right spot on this second of this date. And as I was already doing my devotional, I feel like God answered me through it. 

My life was in a bumpy ride but I couldn't be thankful enough to Him for where I am now is a lot better where I was. But STILL, I can’t help but be anxious of what might happen ahead of me. I may not be in a very tough time right now, I've been through tough times (thank God!), but I know God may allow these kinds of times again to happen.

As what this devotional is trying to relay, I must stop looking merely at the back side of my life’s tapestry. Ang daming buhol, ang daming gupit-gupit, there are threads I can’t even connect. And I must stop disappointing myself by expecting things would turn out the way I want it too. For the past few years, I found it hard entrusting it all to Him. Umiral ang pagkamatigas ng ulo ko that I wanted it my way. But amazingly, events turned out to be actually better than what I planned, one after the other, because I kept on praying and I entrusted it all to Him. Only God knows. What I feel right now? I am so eager of what masterpiece God created my life to be, He has a purpose, hence, I will continue to entrust my life to Him, well, He lent it to me anyway. 

“Called With A Purpose” 

"We know all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

Paul’s assurance in his letter to the Romans is one of the most quoted and least understood passage in the New Testament. When some people hear the verse, they flare in ager because they think Paul is saying that the traumatic event they’ve just experienced is good. But that’s not at all what he’s saying. 

Paul is inviting us to remember – in every situation, even the most painful ones – the final result of our lives’ tapestry. We should remember that the God of love, wisdom, and strength has the ability to weave the dark threads or our lives in with the light-colored ones to produce something beautiful. In our pain all we can see is the back of the fabric, but we can be assured that God will produce something fine out of it. 

Although God promises to work things for our good the promise of the verse isn’t that things will work out the way we want them to. God is the weaver and events are the threads. Our lives are just the loom on which He works to create His masterpiece. In many cases, we find that God’s design is quite different from what we hoped, dreamed, or even contemplated. We can either follow the design He has planned, or we can continue to demand our own way. One leads to life and peace; the other, to anger and despair, choose wisely, with faith in God and His design. 

Mankind is all too often inclined to take credit for his accomplishments, but when things go wrong, he blames God. -Zig Ziglar

Source: The One Year Daily Insights with Zig Ziglar and Dr. Ike Reighard

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248. Dumb Sheep

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Ever wondered why we are likened to a sheep in the Bible? If one is to think very negatively, it’s actually “insulting”. But Biblically, it overlaid that fact and signified overflowing compassion and love abundance.

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

15 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. ² But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

³ Then Jesus told them this parable: ⁴ “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

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239. Persistence in Prayer

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Sometimes, we are so persistent in “pestering” our parents, boyfriends, siblings, clients, or whoever in getting what we want. Or maybe we, ourselves, are so determined in getting what we want for ourselves i.e. saving too much to the point of starvation just to buy that pair of shoes or that signature bag. For guys, maybe they tend to be “pushy” in courting a girl they really like. How about in prayer? How about in asking God for the things we want, or rather, for the things He wants and long-planned for us? How persistent are we?

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220. Karma or whatever it's called

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I believe the notion of “karma” (Romans 12:19). This world makes it tough to be nice, to be thankful and be satisfied (oh this age of consumerism!), to have a good attitude, to always have good motives, to love and most of all to forgive. It’s hard but it’s definitely rewarding.

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205. Finding balance between contenment and ambition

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I just want to share one aid in my devotion from Joyce Meyer pertaining to dreams and visions. I have read this a year (or two) ago and came across it once again today. I pray that whatever dreams or visions you may have, whether simple, short-term, long-shot, or almost-impossible, and if you’re on the verge of quitting, if that dream is placed by God in your heart, may you not give up on them. It’s one thing that no one can take away from you. It's one thing God would want you to accomplish. I pray that these words through its writer may help you as well. :)

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175. Monday Musings: “Just because you don’t understand something now doesn’t mean the explanation doesn’t exist”

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“Just because you don’t understand something now doesn’t mean the explanation doesn’t exist.”

And here comes another post on the quarter-life-crisis series. Lol. I’m kidding. But maybe it’s half-meant. Haha! When I think about the future, to be honest, it scares me. I have seen a lot of lives in front of me of which some I have even seen unfold. Not all of them are amazing. Some were fabulous. Some are so-so. And some sadly didn't turn out fine. It created fears inside me. At the back of my mind, I told myself, I don’t want to end up like that. Not good. And do you ever have the feeling that you feel like what you’re doing right now that you believe to be rightful at the moment feels like would not help you on your dream future? (Gulo ba basta yun…) Or help create your dreams into reality? And you just can’t get an explanation out of it? Nag-aral naman ako nang mabuti... Nakapagtapos naman ako... I have a diploma...  Bakit si ganyan hindi naman ganito... Siya nga mas tamad pa sa kin blablabla... Aminin, the list of questions doesn’t end there. It feels like it’s happening, it’s just going down the gutter for you-feel-like no apparent reason at all! I’m just human gifted with overflowing sensitivity and emotional factors haha and I feel such sometimes.

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167. Walkway 2013

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On Holy Weeks most especially on the Thursday and Friday of it, years back, if we are not elsewhere taking vacation away from the city, my parents would always take me with them to church hearing the teachings on the Seven Last Words of Jesus. But ever since I got into the corporate world, snatching away most of the Philippine holidays away from me (lol), I have not attended such again. One thing that I like about attending this kind of service is being able to reflect on the very essence of why there is a holy week. It's not just about having vacation. It's also about reflecting on the ultimate sacrifice Jesus did around 2000 years ago. All because of the Father's GREAT GREAT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. But let me also say that holy week is not just the only time to reflect, there are 51 other weeks and 358 other days to do it.

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160. They are new every morning...

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Sing with me!

They are new every morning.

Great is thy faithfulness...

Isn't it wonderful that there is a loving, merciful and gracious God?

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151. Monday Musings: From Now On

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The truth is, the greater part of your happiness or misery depends solely upon your attitude towards any given moment, regardless of the events contained within. You need much less than you think you need to be happy, and you usually have a lot more than you think you have. There’s always something worth smiling about. It’s just a matter of thinking differently. (Marc and Angel)

 

It's hard isn't it, being always happy, trying to embrace positivity because we are mere humans and our emotions most of the time are the reasons of our downfall. It may be hard to be thankful having a two-peso donut bought from some lowly bakery when you see someone deliciously munching on a donut from J Co.

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147. Monday Musings on Monday Blues

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I don’t know if it’s just Monday Blues version of Monday Musings but there is this sad weird annoying feeling in me. I’m a normal human being who has her own set of insecurities and frustrations and for some reason today, I felt like everything is in front of me! A lot of questions flashed in the insides of my brain. At one point I felt like this time I was sure that I am having a quarter-life crisis. It’s hard to feel good. I stuffed myself with sweets (like I don’t always already do). Listening to Christian music helped (thank you Chris Tomlin, Michael Gungor and Desperation Band for accompanying me). But I keep on thinking. Am I the only one who’s like this? Whose mind just don’t pause on thinking and when it thinks of the not-so-good stuff it’s like fuelled even more to think negatively. I guess there are just times like this (apart from the monthly PMS-ing).

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142. Braced Up For 2013! Thank you so much 2012!!

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Feeling active blogger that I am here writing on New Year's eve. It's been a while I know but let me set that aside as we all saw how the Mayan calendar failed and now we're about to welcome 2013!

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124. What Sundays May Bring

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I just love those days when I can pamper myself even in the tiniest possible way. For the past week, I have been bothered by the mishaps at work, specifically on my training. My training for a process, is currently delayed and I blame the uninvited bugs who came to party on our software we were supposed to use. Just so they know, they caused delay and my schedule is now screwed. On  other note, I have accomplished tasks more more mooore than the load I should have done. I am raising my forehead on this. I think I did a good job. Kudos to me! Due to the semi-stress and for the job well-done, I'm patting myself on the back through a well-deserved pamper -- sauna and massage. Teehee.

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93. cos I badly want to start anew but there's really no need to it

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This feeling of wanting to just erase everything unpleasant and remain those that are luscious to my recalling. But NO.

There have been a lot of mistakes, shortcomings, transgressions and yes, regrets, that I'm afraid of the possible consequences I'm about to face a second from now to a second before I die. I've been so hard-headed, so stubborn, so stupid that these thoughts that keep on rushing in for the past days give me pains and aches to every vein where the blood passes through, not to mention the physical throbbing headache I've been feeling for four days now. A time would really come for these thoughts. I'm still human. I'm just glad I surpassed it without thinking of killing my delicate self.

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more than just eggs and bunnies

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Today is Easter Sunday, a day when Easter eggs and bunnies come to play, when kids and young adults alike enjoy egg hunting, but have they thought of today's true essence?

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For I know the plans I have for you ...

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For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

--Jeremiah 29:11

This is one of my favorite verses and the one I've been holding to and the very verse of the midweek service I've attended to last Wednesday and right then and there, I knew my Potter is reassuring me of His plans-beyond-my-human-imagination for me.

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Frustrated Dream-Chaser

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I've been dreaming since I was little and it saddens me that the only dream I'm proud of as of now is being able to graduate from college and being a degree-holder. But... From a course I NEVER dreamed of. I will always regret that day I crossed out Clothing Technology as my course choice in UP Diliman. Regretted even more that I didn't made it to the BAA quota but passed the UPCAT accepted scores. "I should've been accepted in UP". Time passed by and through constant talking to my Potter, and musing and wandering a lot in the past months -- I know there's a purpose for having been able to graduate from BSC-Management of Financial Institutions from a prominent university, DLSU-M.

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Struck, Pondered and Moving On...

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The aftermath of Passionista. Followed by 1 John 2:16. I was slapped. I woke up from a sad and bitter reality. I pondered. I'm now moving on. That's how I wanna show our love is mutual and irrevocable.

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reminder

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I should always be reminded. I should. I should.
For whom or for what have I been doing things lately?

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